The A&O (admission and orientation) handbook tells you all the stuff staff think you need to know to serve your sentence. It informs you about medical and dental care, jobs, how the unit and compound work, recreation offerings and rules, and what they expect from you. But in truth, that book does not tell you the half of it! And not everything you read in that book is the truth!
I am a lifer. I have been in prison since 1989. I have worked my way down from penitentiaries to a medium-security facility. And it was WORK! I refuse to sugarcoat it for you. What you are going to face…prison…SUCKS!!! And it should! But you have more power than you think or know. You have the power of choice. You can choose how easy or hard your time is. You can choose if you change for the better or the worse while you are inside. Here are some things I think you should know:
This is not the end
You may feel like your life is over. But this is not the end! It is a purgatory of sorts. The Roman Catholics believe you go to purgatory before heaven to work off your sins. Prison is also a place where you have the opportunity to become a better person, to make amends, to reconnect with family… to grow if you choose to. The conditions inside, the lack of quality programs, the indifference of many staff members, etc. can make that more difficult, but ultimately, you determine if positive change happens. This is just as true for the guy with one year as it is for the lifer.
A wise old con once told me that the proof that there is life after (or despite) prison is this: “Look at the butterfly. Where does it come from?” he asked. At first, I was stumped. I didn’t get it. So, he told me: “Butterflies used to be caterpillars! And caterpillars go through some stuff before they become butterflies. That is how it is in prison. We have to go through some stuff and then, some of us will shed that existence and become so much better.”
Pick a path
Someone new to prison may think there is discipline here. But the opposite is more true. The only difference between here and the streets is that we are locked up. We cannot leave when we want to. Ok, there is no sex, no good food, no R-rated movies, no real privacy. But the rest is here: drugs, alcohol, gambling, gangs…all of it. The point is this: There are just as many paths to take in here as there are out there. And as far as the staff go, it really doesn’t matter to them which path you choose. As long as you are not a problem, they don’t care and they are not going to push you to do or be better if that is not what you choose. It is all in your hands.
It is easy to follow the crowd. When I first started doing time, I was a young guy. Once I got my head on straight and wrapped around the fact that this was not/is not the end, I had to decide how I was going to do my time. Back then, I enjoyed sports. I went to the gym and played basketball, sometimes all night. I spent all my money on shoes and food to eat after playing. That was my choice, my path. These days I am a lot older and don’t move as nimbly as I once did. I don’t play much ball anymore. Now I crochet, study the Bible and take Bible college classes (well, I did until they took the computers away). I catch flack from time to time from both staff and inmates for being so “straight.” But it is my path and it makes me comfortable. Pick your own path. And remember, you can always change course later if you realize a different course would serve you better.
Don’t give up
It is easy to give up: to say, “Screw it, I’m done!” Often, that means self-medicating in some way and just letting the time “do you.” Don’t do it! Don’t give up on yourself or life. It only makes your life harder in a hard place.
I make it a point to try to help at least one person each day in some way. I refuse to allow this place to define me or make me give up. I try to learn something each day to better myself. Never forget that life does not end just because we are in prison. Keep on keeping on.
Know the rules
It is your responsibility to know the rules. And there are a lot of rules. Actually, there are TWO sets of rules: There are the rules the staff expect you to know and then there are the rules the people who live here expect you to know. It is wise to learn and know both. It makes your time easier. No matter what path you choose, you must know the rules. Knowing the rules will help make your life easier here.
Being a lifer, I am very particular about my cell. I don’t wear shoes in my cell and I sit down to pee. YES, I am a man and YES, I sit down to pee. I do this because I live in a bathroom! Think about it; do you want pee-splatter all over your bed and house floor? A lot of times new guys will be put in a cell with me and just not get it. If you move into a cell with anyone who has done any time at all, they are going to have quirks. Be sure to pay attention to the guys who have been down for a while. They can help make things better and easier for you.
Be yourself and be honest
Don’t be fake! Be you. You will fit in a lot better with the people around you if you are not fake. Guys here can spot a fake a mile away. DON’T LIE! In this place all you have is your word. If you have any time to do at all, the truth is going to come out. THERE ARE NO SECRETS IN PRISON. Be comfortable with the person who looks back at you in the mirror each morning. If you are not honest with yourself, it makes doing time harder and rougher.
Friends?
Staff are not your friends! And truth be told, the guy in your cell, or the guy you met on the bus or plane, the guy you eat with…they are not your friends either. BE VERY CAREFUL of what you say to whom. Be very careful of who you allow into your life. It can cost you dearly if you choose poorly.
Just like any other place, there are good people and bad people. Prison is no different. There are good staff and bad staff. There are staff you can trust and there are staff you cannot. You must figure out which is which. Maybe the old timers will help. But more often than not, it is on you to learn the difference. And it is important to know. If you see a staff member cutting it up with another guy, it does not mean that you can. Some things are earned with time.
The same rules apply when dealing with other inmates/convicts. Most guys are here to do their time and go home. They want to do it as easy as they can. Others, however, are not into changing and think others owe them something. Be wise and tread carefully. It is up to you to learn who is who. And it can take some time. Make your own decisions and stick with them.
Choices
The other day, I talked with someone who just didn’t understand how I can walk around all the time with a smile, always trying to help others, even staff from time to time (within limits!!). And when I have a bad day, I simply get quiet. He knew a little about my past and that I have been down for three decades. I told him, “Look, no matter who or where we are, both good and bad things happen. But those things do not have to define us. For far too long, I allowed my scars and trauma to define me. I walked a dark path, using my pain as an excuse for almost everything. Even those who experience mostly good in their lives shouldn’t define themselves entirely by that; adversity is a character builder.
What matters is the choices we make: the choice to not bellyache and moan. The choice not to get even. The choice to smile instead of scowling. The choice to forgive and not hold on to wrongs. The choice to be the best you can be. And the more you practice doing that, the better you’ll get at it.
The bottom line is this….PRISON SUCKS! It is not designed to be a place that people like and want to hang out in. When you land in a prison, try to find an “old timer” who will give you the scoop. If you are lucky, like I was, the old guys will take you under their wing and teach you how to do time rather than it do you. Listen, learn and never forget that you are more than the crime that put you here. You can grow in prison. You can care, love, share and be the best you that is possible. Choose what you want and go for it.
