I correspond with more than a thousand individuals in federal prison, and very often, I find their comments and confessions to be provocative, heart-wrenching or uplifting. A few examples are below.
What’s good for the goose…
T.N. – FCI Thomson, Illinois
I am so glad [James] Comey [former FBI director] is going to prison. Now he gets to see firsthand how we are treated. He will understand that when a guard tells you that you have no rights, you really have no rights. Now he will see that guards come into your room and destroy it just because they are having a bad day. Wait until he runs across a guard who, just because he doesn’t like him, decides to write him up for every little thing (or outright lies) so you go to the hole for weeks. No officer in command is going to break the buddy law to help you out. Wait until he sees how the food is. No more taking pics and posting them on your social media pages about the wonderful meal you had with your wife and kids at the best restaurant in town. Here, you are barely fed enough to stay alive. And that’s just the tip of the iceberg. And then there’s taking a shower while handcuffed. That was probably an idea you dreamed up for the people your agency harasses.
[Nelson has reason to think Comey’s stay in prison will “wake him up.” Disgraced former Rep. George Santos described his time in prison [FCI Fairton in New Jersey] to BBC and CBS this way: I spent 41 days in isolation…in a cell that was fewer than six feet wide and nine feet high. I was kept in that cell 23 hours a day, with one hour of outdoor recreation time during weekdays. I stood outdoors in the rain just to stay out of that cell for that hour. It was mentally torturous.” He added that he was given three books a week and allowed to shower three times a week. “It’s a really dirty environment,” Santos said.]
Peace deals and prison tablets
C.C. – FCI Victorville Medium II, California
[Reacting to the phased ceasefire and peace deal between the Palestinian resistance and Israel:] “Phase II will probably never come. It’s like the rollout of our tablets here. Phase one was music and movies. Phase 2 was supposed to be ebooks, and phase three was supposed to be video visiting for those whose people couldn’t afford to fly all over the country. But they’ve never gotten there and they want you to believe it’s prisoners’ fault. It’s an old ploy that’s used the world over to find and stay engaged in some form of war.
How to support parenting from prison
J.S. – USP Tucson, Arizona
I’ve taken every class I can to bolster my case for a [military] parole, including a parenting class, even though my children are grown. It was more of a guilt trip than anything else. And it seemed to be geared for people who are drug abusers. It is pointless anyway. The guys in a USP will most likely be grandparents by the time they get out. Instead, how about giving us video visits and free phone calls that run more than 15 minutes per call? At least that way we can keep in contact with our loved ones and try to build meaningful relationships while we are being “rehabilitated”. So basically, they cut me off from my family, then give me a class telling me that I was a horrible parent. Thank you!!!! I am cured and all better now.
‘Cowboy’ security staff
W.W. – FCI Cumberland, Maryland
What is needed to change the BOP is major structural reform in the institutional culture. You have to stop the SIS (internal security) from being able to lie and BS and target people improperly, instead of actually investigating complaints. That would require a major attitude change in the BOP.
One thing that could be done would be to end the policy that says nothing a prisoner says is considered “evidence” unless a staff member corroborates it or it’s caught on video. This would greatly limit the incentive BOP staff have to falsify incident reports. Consider that when inmates are accused, like for having drugs, not much corroboration is needed. It should go both ways.
By the way, the equipment they use to detect drugs is not very accurate/reliable, especially for K2 and similar substances. There are too many false positives. They need to prove those results with lab tests, regardless of the expense. Then, actual consequences for the people using and selling drugs would be helpful, instead of just cycling them back onto the unit over and over again. The problem with that, though, is that their consequences tend to be inhumane.
Book bans
L.V. – FCI Marianna, Florida
I’ve been to a bunch of other federal prisons and finally, I’ve gotten to one that follows BOP policy and allows us to receive hardcover books. Frankly, the practice of refusing hardback books, which so many federal prisons do, is a sham. They aren’t really concerned about safety; they are just being obstructionist and making it harder for inmates to get good books that will expand our minds. Books frustrate their goal to have stupid inmates, which are easier to control. Frederick Douglas, a former slave, once noted that “education makes a man unsuitable to be a slave.” This is not lost on the BOP.
[Note that three federal prisons – USP McCreary (Kentucky), USP Lee (Virginia) and FCI Allenwood Medium (Pennsylvania), effectively do not allow their residents to receive any books from the outside at all!]
Gladiator schools
R.L. – FCI Victorville, California
I had to laugh when I read your article about the director of the Bureau of Prisons making an issue out of expired food. If this is the only thing he is concerned about, we are doomed, because expired food does not matter if you are dead because someone stuck a knife through your liver! What he needs to focus on is the violence running rampant in the U.S. penitentiaries. For example, I was transferred to USP Pollock in Louisiana for three and a half years instead of receiving treatment for a dirty urine and a fight. My custody level had been a low! While I was at Pollock, I was exposed to 116 stabbings, 115 assaults and six murders. Pollock was a gladiator school, and at my age of 67, I had a tough time surviving. Also, due to all the violence, we were locked down 24 hours a day for 623 days, eating rotten bologna. I would hae loved expired food instead of cold, smelly baloney every day! At least give us armor and a shield so we will have a fighting chance. While my head was being pounded by a celly who thought he was being raped [due to PTSD], the last thing I was concerned about was “expired food.”
Bottomless despair
W.H., USP Tucson, Arizona
I am a man, a creature constructed of self-respect. My bones are made up of love, success and sorrow. I know loss and yet still need to know I matter to someone, somewhere. Prison steals respect from my soul, destroying my ego’s foundation; deconstructing me with intent. There is no way to repair myself completely behind these walls. The emotional mortar that holds me together inevitably fails in this environment. The higher a man has climbed in life the further he falls when placed here. I have fallen a long way.
C.P. – FCI Fairton, New Jersey
I recently talked to a psychologist, who asked me some questions concerning the possibility that I might try to take my own life, due to the horrible fact that I will probably never live as a free man again.
The psychologist asked the me, “Are you thinking about suicide?” I looked into the eyes of the psychologist and replied: If you are asking me, will I take my own life by maybe hanging myself or cutting my wrist or swallowing some razor blades? The answer is, NO. However, if you are asking me if I want to die? My answer is this: Every single second of every hour of every day of every month of every year, I pray for death. It’s the last thought I have every single night before I go to sleep. I am in a state of constant pain, I hurt so much I can barely tie my shoes in the morning. I look in the mirror and I cannot believe I am living the non-life that I am.
Every movie, book, even a commercial on TV makes me long for a life so much so that I cry over watching people living a life. When I see someone who has someone in their life who cares for them, I cannot put into words how I feel, nor how much it hurts when I remember that I will never get the chance to love someone or be loved or even cared for. I know men I’ve met in prison over the last 30+ years that have committed horrible crimes, and they get visits, their family helps them, they get mail, there is someone out there who are there for them.
I am not angry at these people, I want to see them go home, and meet their children and grandchildren.
I can never do that again. I am LOST!!! And God, how I hurt.
Moments of joy
L.F. – FCI Sheridan, Oregon
This was dog week here. I call them puppies but they are grown dogs who come to visit. This week we had two dogs come in…Kimber and Jane. Let me tell you, those two girls really melt hearts and relax people. Since I work in the psychology department, I get some time with the dogs before everyone else gets there who is on the dog therapy list. And being the country boy I am, I sit right down on the floor with them and just relax and love on them. I am sure that the week was going as usual around here. I had already been to watch twice and was going again the next day. But sitting there with those two puppies, just loving on them and having them love on me…it melted the rest of it away. I challenge you to enjoy the small joys that come your way.
J.W. – FCI Allenwood, Pennsylvania
I just got the court to take back my life sentence and reduce it to 40 [now 2030]. I have been telling the guys how these last two days were the first nights I went to sleep without having a life sentence since 1998. I didn’t even realize the burden I’d been carrying around. I slept so much better. Guys even say I even look different. I feel so much happier and relieved. God is good.
