One of the most important things in the world to me is being a soldier. My father was a soldier and my uncles and cousins were all soldiers, so I wanted to be one when I grew up. I used to sit in the living room, gazing out of the bay window in awe as I watched my dad – my hero, role model and moral compass – pull into the driveway. He’d step out of his Ford Z with his maroon beret, boots reflecting like glass, uniform pressed. He looked like a superhero. In my eyes, he was better than Batman, Superman, Wolverine and Iron man combined! I vowed at that moment that someday I, too, would be like him: a soldier, a veteran, a father.
I didn’t have many aspirations when I was younger because, for a time, I was closed off, shy and quiet. I had a few issues that kept me emotionally detached. Later, I had friends, I was semi-popular, I played sports and attended functions. Yet, to this day, I’m an introvert personally and an extrovert professionally. I was bullied, and that made me want to fight for those who couldn’t fight for themselves. Even to this day, I can be in a room with a hundred people and still feel alone or lonely.
I endured trauma and experienced violence that scarred me, and that was the catalyst that prohibited me from being a dreamer. I wanted to do other things, but I was afraid to try. I didn’t believe in myself, my talents or my potential, and that made me struggle. But I dreamed of being a great father and soldier. My dad was a veteran of Desert Shield/Storm and multiple tours overseas. I wanted to do everything he did: be in an airborne unit, go on air assaults, and be a leader for the men assigned to me. I practiced in secret, learning how to rappel out of trees using an old rope, like I was coming out of a chopper. I’d climb onto the roof and jump onto a mattress like I was in the 82nd. I’d be go out in the woods with face paint like I was on missions. I wore his boots when he was asleep. I played solider in his used BDUs (battle dress uniforms) and Gore-Tex jacket.
In many ways, I’m still that little boy vying for my father’s approval. I yearn to make my dad proud everyday. I did follow my father, becoming a medic at a base overseas. But I went grievously astray. I let down my country, my unit, my parents and my larger family. I hurt because of the pain I caused my family, as well as others, due to my actions. They were unbecoming of a solider and I plunged into depression for years. But my comrades and I also did good things, and when Veterans Day comes around, I find solace and pride in the memory. I feel pride in the service members who give their best to secure our nation’s safety each day.
I want to be proud of myself again. I go out of my cell every day trying to be better than I was the day before. The guilt and shame is hard to live with. But I work every day to win the war within myself. Because, no matter what, I am a soldier at heart and I’ll never give up. Every morning, I set myself on a mission to support and mentor those who struggle. Helping others helps me! I’m definitely a work in progress and I won’t quit.
I’d also like to thank all the service members who risk their lives, tirelessly giving their all, sacrificing time with their families for this great nation. You give me hope and feed the fire that burns in my belly to believe in something greater than myself. HOOAH!
